Friday, April 4, 2014

The restoration of bliss...

Im sitting here sipping should get a cup yourself, before you read this epic saga...

I can hear the white-throated-sparrows singing their song, Mr. Peabody, peabody, cute! One of my very favorite songsters, life is really good you know!!!!! But it hasnt always been that way....
...there was the Goldfish Ying and Yang I raised in my wee water garden, then...
they disappeared without a trace...WTH??...

These last few days have been rough since Rory the fire breathing DRA-ccoon started terrorizing me and the dogs----now its been 3 nights in a row.  He attacks at midnight and then continues to attack all thru the night.  2 am, 3 am, The girls are exhausted from barking, I'm exhausted from trying to stop them from barking all night and running around the yard at 4 am in my underwear chasing this damned raccoon off my bird feeders, off my deck, out of my yard, out of my slumber! 

Come 7 am Wednesday I was wasted...but  I was scheduled to have blood work done at the hospital lab, just routine stuff...and I was told its okay to sip a little coffee before going...thank you nurse Setup for that tidbit.....well its okay to do it, HOWEVER... its NOT okay to tell them you did it!! So I was up at the crack, gone without food, and only sipped a wee bit of the caffeine bliss, was  met at the sign in desk by Tech-Sgt. Leadbelly and sent home!! DRAT...and other words no where close to that one slipped out of my irritated brain and off my couldn't keep it shut tongue!

So come back tomorrow....she jeered then sneered...
WTH??? "Come back tomorrow, no...but....please...I didnt mean to break the RULES, wont you just please listen it was only a sip and an I didnt even swallow!!"
 She didnt buy I resign myself to come back tomorrow Holy Cow!!! But before tomorrow could come another night of terror has to be survived.

Wednesday night....more raids by the DRA-coon, at 12:00 hrs he made his first attack on the feeder by the deck off my bedroom.  I jumped out of bed, hit the light and saw the double crystal eyes staring back, course the dogz were barking rapid fire and all I had was one rock left to throw ( I keep a Rock Jar by the door for Squirrel attacks) since I broke my wrists I cant even toss it in a straight line let alone throw it and hit something but I give it a try and fall way short of the mark...he wobbled off in the dark...unbothered, unharmed, and undeterred- DAMN!!  I slam the door go back to bed...

  • 03:35 BARKING is heavy and frantic....I jump up there he him again this time running out onto the grass barefoot wearing tank n skivies...he hi-tails it up the first tree and looks at me about the same way Leadbelly did....(come back tomorrowwww moron)
  • 04:22 "He's backkkk" another round of fire by the dogs, I sling a flower pot drain pan it hurled around like a boomerang and nearly hit me in the knee caps...Raccoon was laughing as he easily avoided it and scampered across the yard to the dark forest...I slam the door.
  • 06:00 am,,,,,I'm in bed and could barely see thru the glass door and the dim light his bushy ringed tail wrapped around the feeder, I just lay there helplessly and watch...whats the use? Dogs going nutz again...I put the pillows over my head...heck they will sleep all day --me I got to go see Tech-Sgt Leadbelly again with NO caffeine in me. Neary a drop....holy macro will I survive it?
  • 08:30 am Tech-Sgt. smiles her crooked all-knowing, I have control of  your life, smile "did you eat or drink anything?" I was about to say, "I had a double slam at Denny's," but then I realized there is not one shred of giggle in this woman and said "Not one drop!" Amazingly she sort of squinted at me like I was lying anyways!! So finally they got my samples! By this time my butt is dragging I have to drop 3 boxes at the post office from my yesterday Ebay sales, and back in the car I hit a Drive-thru...something you will never rarely see me food joint---me? COFFEE please!

Its so freakin' hot I nearly burn my hand trying to place it in the drink holder...again my wrists don't bend that way any longer..."No wonder that lady sued, dear Heavens this is like volcanic lava hot"...I got no sleep, had to appease Leadbelly, scalded by coffee,...and Im just done and its only 09:30.  I'm not a napper, I have to be running a fever of 105 to sleep when the sun is out all I can hear is John Wayne in my  left ear saying Daylights a burning...get these cattle moving!

So I pushed my herd around all day doing the stuff I had to do, on the day I didnt get the blood work done I went to the Goodwill found all sorts to list on my Ebay so I cleaned the stuff  up photoed it and did some listings...
yawned all day...and made my plan imagine that scene in Home Alone where he spreads out the shelf paper with his plan of attack all drawn out...that's me,
here is the plan...

  • Before dark I set up my now famous squirrel relocation cage. (to date somewhere in the neighborhood of 50 squirrels have been magically teleported to a place Far Far Away in this magic carpet ride box...
  • I would remove ALL the bird feeders and bait the cage with my best Berry N Nut mix. He wont be able to resist. 
  • I will close the doggie door so the girlz cant chase him...and then I'll wait!!
So daylight was just dipping to dusk Wheel of fortune was about half way over.... when I hear the trap snap shut...YIPPIE...I've got him!!
NOT....ITS a danged old Squirrel! *&^% so I have to give him a ride off to the 40 acre woods...good riddance and no love lost!! Come back home reset the trap....and now its time for Jeopardy!
I checked the trap before bedtime...nada.  Retired at 11 ish....and at 12:30  he struck I'm roused out of a troubled sleep...I can hear the bamboo poles that hang off my feeder support rattling, he is up on the pole there is no I wait the girlz go nutz barking inside the house...I hear no slam shut of the cage....I wait then get out of bed to check the trap.... NOPE he is no where to be seen..Dad-nabbit!! Back to sleep zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
  • 04:00 Annie is by my bed, trying her best to rouse me, "leave me alone, go back to sleep" 
  • 05:00 Flossie by my bed, whinning..."ughhhh get outta here" I turn over...
  • 06:00 Annie is back...."What is it?"Then I recall...OH damn... the cage." 
Rush to the door throw it open and shout "Glory be to Heaven I have WON."  There he was eyes glaring I got my camera turned it on and pushed the button...came up with this bleary shot off the edge of the deck....

I put a coat on over my sleepwear, grabbed my keys jump into some clogs, out the door and grabbed the cage....HEAVY could barely lift it with 2 hands I'm used to those lightweight we go..

it looked exactly like this to me cause I forgot my glasses....omg I drove about 2 miles away down a dirt road,  the kind your worst nightmares go down in those night horrors you've had, and there is this mysterious locked gate....and a driveway of sorts wayyyy back off the road is a clubhouse where men meet when they go deer hunting its a hunting lodge? Well its perfect this coon is a hunter!!

So I open the back of my Blazer draggg the cage out-this sucker is heavy-
set it on the ground, open the trap door and <<<<<<<<ZOOM>>>>>>>>> he shot out like a rocket...I tried to get a photo of his departing figure but the flash didn't fire and he was outta there!!!!!!!!!!! And I had no glasses anyways Imagine the scene, a 60ish grey headed woman, in a tank top and shorties, with a hoodie concealing her true identity, wearing bohemian clogs, on her feet, a camera around her neck, she is squinting cause she is blind without her glasses, and on the ground before her is a caged WILD Raccoon, filled with terror,  clawing the cage, and making funny noises like he is saying-- "I didnt mean to break the rules, please give me a break, I didnt mean to insult you"....sound familiar...sooo glad no one was out to witness this...

he disappeared into this darkness.....

...back at home, 06:45  I'm yawning, standing there in my sleepwear,clogs,& coat, camera is still around my neck hair all over the place.....making coffee...Mom rouses from her room...
"What's going on out here?" 
I answer..."you want some coffee?"

(no animals were hurt in the making of this blog, some  however were trapped and released unharmed)

Eleanor Roosevelt: You must do the thing you think you can not.


  1. Brilliant post Sondra. Had me laughing all the way through it. Glad you've solved the problem of your night visitor, and hopefully you can get some sleep now.

    I've a similar problem with the local cats that keep coming here in the night, and when I'm away.
    I've got the sonic blasters, that do nothing. I've increased the height of the fence. Nothing. I've put sharp spikes on top of the fence; they still climb over. Grrr.
    I've now invested in a water squirter that works by heat and motion detection. Hope that works!

    1. LOL Keith....really hope you get that cat problem under control..they can do a lot of damage to the Birds!!! IF dont get it solved it wont be from lack of trying eh?

  2. OH MAN. I was just laughing so hard my own dogs came running and barking. I SO hope that your problem is solved!!! Truly fantastic story-telling.

  3. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Great one!

  4. Oh this is so funny -- but so sort of awful too. First of all, that horrid nurse. I am told actually that I am supposed to drink water and coffee, because otherwise I am too dehydrated for them to draw blood. Yikes! And the raccoon. (I hope that relocation program works and works well. You need some sleep. And some coffee (which I cannot go without in the mroning).

  5. Ha ha ha ha! What a story. :) Glad you got it all sorted out now!!!

  6. LMSS, what and adventure that was! He didn't look very large but it was dark. When I lived in Morristown, NJ those things were huge and nasty. Now at least he is gone and you can get some sleep.
    Good thing I still had plenty of coffee left in my cup.

    1. in reality probably only 10 lbs or me anything over 5 these days is heavy and I describe it as 25!! LoL

  7. Definitely a LOL post! The best was your picture of the road. I just howled. I think I would have taken him 20 miles or so, but maybe grabbed the glasses first.


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